One Thought

So I’ve been unemployed for a while.  I’ve already said that a number of times.  It’s been nine months now.  It’s ten in the morning on a Thursday, and I’m sitting in a cafe writing this.  I’m in a contemplative state of mind.

I’ve been feeling the need to rethink my narrative.  A narrative’s an explanation, or perhaps a justification, for how one leads one’s life.  It explains what one’s doing, where one’s headed, why what one’s doing will lead to where one’s headed, and why where one’s headed is a good place to go in the first place.  (Got it?)   

When you’re unemployed, people expect you to justify yourself.  After all, you’re not working and making money like everyone else, so what are you doing?  People want a narrative.  And as an unemployed person, you also expect one of yourself.  You want some sense of where you’re headed and why you’re doing what you’re doing.

When you’re unemployed, concrete goals are harder to come by.  At school, your goal is to do well and to graduate.  At work, your goal is to finish your current project, get a promotion, or just get through the day.  These goals are given to you.  They’re justified within a well-understood system.  At least on a day-to-day basis (or a week-to-week or month-to-month one), there is little uncertainty.  You go to your workplace, and you know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.

But when you’re unemployed, this certainty leaves.  It’s harder to function without it, and many people don’t.  They feel useless and purposeless.  They lack the self-discipline or motivation to kick-start something on their own.  They feel the questioning eyes of their friends and acquaintances.  They search desperately for a narrative and come up empty-handed.

When I left my job nine months ago, my narrative was simple.  It was: I’m leaving my job to pursue some outside interests (music and writing).  I’m not sure where this is headed, but I’d like to give myself a chance to devote myself to these interests and see where they lead.  That was pretty much it.

This sort of vague narrative only works for so long.  It’s a good explanation for a few months, but it stops working so well around the six to nine month mark.  (Remember where I am?)  At that point, the familiar round of questions reemerge: So when are you going to get a job again?  What’s the plan?  How are you going to make money?  You hear these questions from others, but you also ask them of yourself.  

The only way to answer these questions is to come up with a narrative.  That’s what I’m here to do.  I’ll be discussing music because that’s what I spend most of my time doing.  It’s been my focal point.

I’m excited by music.  I’ve known I like it for a long time–and not just in an “It’s nice to listen to while I do other things” or “It really gets me going!” sort of way, but in a deeper way–but recently I’ve been discovering that I really like it.  I mean “really like it” in the sense that I feel happy spending all my time doing it.

It’s hard to find something you enjoying doing all the time.  I encourage you to try sometime.  Take a sabbatical from your job (or take a break between jobs) and spend the time doing something you love to do.  (Save up some money, live cheaply; you can afford it.)  Surf, or play basketball, or write all the time for a few months.  Though you may find you love doing what you’ve chosen all the time, chances are you won’t.  We like most things in moderation: we’re not going to make a full-time endeavor out of them, and we may get sick of them if we try.

But I do think I’ve found something I enjoy doing all the time in music.  That’s exciting.  Sure, I’m not certain I’ll always like spending all or most of my time on music–and how could I be?–but I am convinced that it’s not just a passing fancy.

I’ve made a huge amount of progress music-wise in the past nine months.  I feel like everything is starting to “click” in a way that it never has before.  I still have so much to learn, and the road ahead is a long one, but I’m excited by how far I’ve come.

Music engages me in a way that feels more full and complete than my past pursuits.  I’m able to engage my emotional and creative side in a way that (I now realize) has been stifled since I started college.  Music is the purest artistic expression of emotion I’ve encountered.  I enjoy the mechanical act of playing an instrument: playing guitar requires far more dexterity and finesse than any other physical activity I’ve performed.  It’s very satisfying to see improvement.

Music also has theoretical, technical, and strategic sides.  I enjoy learning and thinking about music theory and how it relates to the feelings we experience when we listen to music.  I like to record and produce.  I enjoy the “strategic” thinking required to plan out, orchestrate, and arrange a whole song.

Basically, I like it all!  And I haven’t even experienced much of what music has to offer.  Though I’ve rehearsed, I’ve never played live with a band, for example.  That would be fun, but I’m taking things one step at a time for now.

Where am I going with all this?  Here’s what I’m thinking: I now know that I really like music, and I’ve made a huge amount of progress recently.  I want to keep doing what I’m doing.

I can’t quit now just because nine months have passed.  It would be stupid to stop just as things are starting to get interesting.  My living expenses are low, and I’ve saved some money.  I don’t need to return to the money-making world immediately, so why should I?  This is a risk worth taking!

So that’s my narrative.  I don’t know where I’m headed, but I think it’s someplace interesting.  And I’m not sure when I’ll get there.  Money?  I’ll probably start doing something part-time once I feel things have stabilized.  Hopefully something not too far from my interests.

There you have it.  This is where I am.