One Thought

Living in San Francisco, or Frisco as we don’t call it, is great.  You’re surrounded on three of four sides by water, which means that when the skyscraper-shatteringly, bridge-meltingly massive earthquake finally comes–and it will–your only escape will be to sail your yacht across the Bay.  Wait, you don’t have a yacht?  Then you swim, or you die.  Good luck.  The water is fucking frigid.

But before the Great Earthquake comes, we’re having tons-o’-fun here in San Fran.  Don’t say “San Fran” either, by the way; that name is fucking stupid.  Parks?  We’ve got ‘em.  Restaurants?  Too many.  Fog?  Uh huh.  Hills?  Yup.  Nightlife?  Oh yes, yes, yes.  Want to dance to soul music in a muggy bar packed with hipsters?  We’ve got your place–times five.  Want to sip overpriced cocktails in a crowd of dress-shirt-and-jeans-uniformed yuppies?  We’ve got that place too.  Two-hundred of them.

You overhear great conversations here.  Hipsters bashing yuppies.  Yuppies bashing hipsters.  You might even hear a yupster bashing a yippie or a hippie-hipster bashing a hipster-hippie–it’s complicated.  One thing’s for sure, though: there’s more than enough bashing to go around.  You might want to wear a helmet.

Of course, we do have tourist traps.  But you wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those–right?  Want to experience the real San Francisco?  I have two words for you: Fisherman’s Wharf.  This is where all the calloused-handed, cursing, working-class fishermen-types hang out.  They sell the shit they catch in conveniently-edible formats–like clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl.  We’ve got a world-class fishing industry.  Check out Pier 39 if you want a first-hand view of the action–or free donut holes.

The best thing about living here is being immersed 24-7 in good, ol’ fashioned San Francisco Values.  You know, the ones that Republican politicians love to hate.  Those guys can take their anti-San-Francisco-Values values and cram them up their asses.  We’re tolerant here.  Well, tolerant of everything except intolerance.  If you’re intolerant, you might get smacked.  Or if you’re a hipster or a yuppie.  No one likes hipsters and yuppies, including hipsters and yuppies.

This city is diverse.  Go to the Castro for more gayness than you can shake a stick at.  You might want to think twice before shaking your stick, though.  Go to the Tenderloin for more crackheads than you can shake a stick at.  Again, think twice.  You might want to drop the stick and bring a gun if you’re going to the Mission or Bayview.

Thanks, folks.  You’ve been great.